Regret is more than a one-size-fits-all proposition, says Thomas Gilovich, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y. According to his research, regret comes in three emotional types: hot (anger, disgust, embarrassment, irritation), wistful (nostalgic, contemplative, sentimental) and despairing (helpless, longing).
In the short term, you may regret actions you took – usually hot regrets like impulsively buying those expensive items when you should have boosted your savings account. While most people get over the sting of hot regrets fairly quickly, the long term is another story: That’s when you tend to regret actions you didn’t take – like going to Europe for a semester during college – eliciting wistful or despairing feelings.
The good news is that while regret feels bad, you can make it work for you. Gilovich offers these suggestions:
Learn from your mistakes. Examine your behaviour and why you did or didn’t act in a way you now regret. You may be sorry you didn’t push harder for a promotion that you deserved but someone else got – however, next time you won’t let yourself be outmaneuvered.
Pursue a missed opportunity. If you regret not having learned to play the piano as a child or forgoing the track team for your studies, seize the day. Take action to replace those wistful feelings with newfound skills and a fulfilling sense of accomplishment.
Rectify past wrongs. If your regret centres on bad behaviour – you hurt a friend’s feelings with a cutting remark or, worse, stole her boyfriend – it’s never too late to apologise. Even if the other person isn’t responsive to your overture, you’ll feel better for having made the effort.
Give yourself a break. The path not taken often looks more tempting with 20/20 hindsight. So forgive yourself for not having been prescient enough to accept that job offer or make that big move, and remember you did the best you could at the time.